Friday, December 20, 2019

On Family Traditions

Perhaps your family eats Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Or, maybe you always open one gift on Christmas Eve before slipping off to bed. You might participate in a "turkey trot" together each Thanksgiving, or alternatively you curl up on the couch to watch endless Christmas movies while you sink into that post-Turkey relaxation. Traditions vary from household to household, but many families have them. These family traditions can be reassuring and comforting. Knowing that a certain practice will happen on an upcoming holiday can fill us with gleeful anticipation.

But, what if our family traditions cause more stress than jubilation? What if they create more tension than harmony? What if they force us to fit a mold that we have outgrown?



This whole topic is one that has fascinated me in the past several years of marriage. Prior to marriage, I never thought much about the "clash of traditions" that happens when two people-from different families-come together to create their own household. This topic was barely touched upon in any marriage preparation materials; outside of one segment in the course of our Engaged Encounter weekend, I didn't hear much about this. Thankfully, we haven't experienced a tremendous amount of difficulty in this area, but every single year, I see married women asking for advice (or venting frustrations) on social media as they deal with a conflict of "family traditions."

If a wife has always celebrated Easter doing certain activities with her family, and her husband has always celebrated Easter doing different activities with his family, then what happens? Some families alternate years, so that they can still celebrate with their families-of-origin. Other families cram in multiple get-togethers on one day. Other families move holiday celebrations before the holiday actually occurs, as they seek to find the best alignment of schedules.


In some cases, couples decide that they are going to start their own new "family traditions," to help create a unique family culture with their children. I cannot count how many women post online that My husband and I have a baby now, and we want to start some holiday traditions-so tell me what you do in your house! These brainstorming lists can be great resources, but I've also personally found it easy to fall into a trap: The idea of thinking that we can just decide what will be "family traditions," and then force ourselves to fit into those practices every single year.

When my husband and I first got married, I was so excited to try out some new "family traditions." I eagerly put up a Jesse Tree with makeshift paper ornaments. Someday, I figured, we could make or purchase better ornaments, but these would work for the time. Every year after that, the Jesse Tree seemed less successful. I'd forget to read a Scripture passage for it one night. We'd go out of town and wouldn't get around to playing "catch up" when we got back. Once our kids started coming, it got even more challenging, and this lovely tradition started feeling like one great big hassle. I was trying to force a "family tradition" that wasn't actually doing much to benefit our family. So, this year, we're not doing the Jesse Tree. Maybe we'll try it again someday, maybe not. Something we have done is an Advent Tea. While it's looked different every year, setting aside some time to drink tea and eat treats as we prepare for Christmas fits quite naturally into our life right now. We've only done this for three years, and I don't know how long it will work for our family. Someday, maybe we'll celebrate the "Fifteenth Annual Advent Tea," or perhaps we'll never reach that point. Regardless, it's OK-we'll just keep doing what works for us, and see what happens.

Sometimes, in our desire to create meaningful moments, we can cling to the idea that we "need" to have cherished traditions even just a few years into marriage or parenthood. Yet, coming from the Latin tradere ("to hand down, transmit, teach"-according to Wheelock's), "tradition" involves more than sticking a label on a practice and treating it as a hallowed, non-negotiable family event. What messages do our "family traditions" truly transmit to our children and to others? What do these practices teach? Are they longingly awaited and fruitful in our lives, or have they become sources of stress and chaos that we only do "because it's tradition"?

Instead of trying to purposefully manufacture "family traditions" in our homes, what if we took ourselves less seriously and simply enjoyed the moment? After the holiday season, when life slows down, perhaps we can look back and see what has organically sprung up and grown. Maybe we'll be able to see what has born fruit in our homes and families.

I don't know what the answers are to the "family tradition" dilemmas that plague many couples this time of year. I honestly doubt that there's one "right answer," because this is probably unique to each person's situation and life. However, I do think that we need to discuss this topic more. Instead of ignoring this issue in marriage preparation, we can honestly talk about it and share ways to work through "family tradition" conflicts that may arise. Instead of whisking our children from one house to another as we try to placate every relative, perhaps we can openly examine and discuss what our children (and ourselves) really need. If we have figured out "family traditions," that's wonderful-let's share our experiences with other people (single and married) as we encourage them in their own journeys.

I hope that you all have a very blessed and peaceful end to Advent, and a wonderful beginning of the Christmas season! 

12 comments:

  1. These are great thoughts. I agree with you that traditions are better when they "happen" naturally within your family's rhythm rather than planning and forcing them. A couple years ago we started singing a verse of O Come O Come Emmanuel around our Advent wreath each night. We loved it and have continued it the next couple years. This is the first year we've been consistent almost every night and I think it's safe to say it's a tradition that will stay (and is able to grow with our family because of its simplicity). However, I would LOVE to do the Jesse Tree like you mentioned but it hasn't really worked for us either. Maybe someday when the kids are older but I've found myself content that we haven't started it yet. In some ways, I'm grateful we don't live near lots of immediate or extended family because there's so much less pressure to fit in everything with relatives...sometimes I wish we had more gatherings to go to yet I'm also so thankful we don't have to rush from place to place! Our Advent is more peaceful with simplicity. :)

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed this, Laura! I think your Advent wreath tradition sounds lovely. Do you guys use the different verses? We also have this tradition (I grew up doing it in my family and really enjoy it) BUT we only ever do the first verse of the song. I'm wondering if we should change that up so we can actually learn more verses haha! So please share what you do :) I like what you mention about "maybe when the kids are older"-I think it's easy, since I have young kids like you, to forget that someday, when my kids are 8 or 10 or whatever age, they'll be able to take the initiative and do some of the cool Advent things with a little bit of direction. I love having little ones, but thinking about life with Big Kids is exciting, too!

      I am right with you on the extended family thing. It would be so nice to be close to our relatives, but when I see friends of ours experiencing the pressure to go to ALL the family gatherings, I realize that there are benefits to living in a different state than both sides of our family.

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    2. We do four of the verses because we have them in an Advent devotional book! I'd like to learn all...six?? I think there are...and I'm pretty sure they coincide with the O Antiphons too!

      Yes, I dream about the Big Kid days too but try to remind myself to enjoy these crazy days too! ;)

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    3. That's awesome that you guys do different verses. Thanks for your input. Maybe next year we'll give that a try!

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  2. Great thoughts! My family is going through this in 2019 and really re-evaluating what we've outgrown due to the changing nature of the family, and what is causing more stress than joy now.

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    1. Lianna, thank you so much for sharing that! I hope that your family was able to work things out peacefully and make some good decisions tradition-wise!

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  3. This is so true, and I love seeing the origin of the word "tradition." Traditions, in my opinion, aren't important because of the tradition themselves, but because of what they symbolize or convey.
    Anyway, my two older kids are in a picky eating phase where they only want to eat half of the foods they normally eat, so I decided I didn't want to prepare a big Christmas dinner (I prepared a large Thanksgiving dinner--we had guests--but my kids and husband hardly ate any of it). I texted my husband on Thursday and asked if he was okay having burrito bowls on Christmas. Why prepare a big meal with "traditional" foods if no one will enjoy it? So, we'll have church, finish our Jesse Tree readings, open gifts, and eat burrito bowls. It'll be low stress and allow me to focus on celebrating Jesus' birth.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Shannon! I think your burrito bowl idea is AWESOME! I hope you guys enjoyed it and had a wonderful celebration together!

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  4. What an interesting topic!! This has got me thinking more about what are our true family traditions that have developed organically. I think the point you make is an important one - discuss what our families really need and embrace simplicity in this beautiful yet busy season.

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    1. Elisabeth, I'm so glad this could help you start thinking about family traditions! I think it's definitely a thought process that we can all have again and again as our families develop and change.

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  5. What a good topic, AnneMarie! My family of origin has so many Christmas (and Thanksgiving) traditions, and if/when I have a family of my own, I know it's something I'll have to work through. Even now, I've given myself permission to not do them all, because what I really need to do is pray through these seasons and not worry about the Advent calendars or such. This is such a good point to consider, that traditions shouldn't just be done out of obligation, but because they are beautiful ways your family is together getting closer to God. Great food for thought!

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  6. So much to think about! I think some of the most cherished family traditions kind of come up 'accidentally', although sometimes it's good to establish traditions with purpose. Angel's family always had a tradition of staying up till midnight on Christmas Eve and then opening presents in the wee hours of the morning, and eating tamales...I have asked at times about if he'd like us to include more of his childhood traditions, but he's been honest--he's not a big fan of tamales and enjoys my family's Christmas food better...and we both are early birds by nature and prefer to do presents Christmas morning. haha!

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