Thursday, July 30, 2015

Let's be real: This is why I need St. Josemaria in my life (In short, I blew it)

I blew it. 

A few weeks ago, I started off on the adventure of trying to break into the freelance writing world and evangelize online, all for the glory of God! I entrusted my work to God, tried to make Him the focus, and did not have lofty dreams of personal glory. God really blessed my work, and although I haven't made any money from my writing, I have the epic opportunity to volunteer for a couple of different websites occasionally. 

Well, within a few weeks, I began to notice a change in myself. I found myself checking the websites I volunteer with multiple times a day, every day, to see if my articles were accepted and published. When I met people at church, I started focusing in a bit too much on myself and my personal accomplishments. I continually asked God to help me become humble, but I kept noticing myself slip into pride. What's wrong with me? I would ask myself. Why can't I learn some humility?

And then, I realized what one of my problems was: God's glory had become secondary, because I was seeking my personal glory first. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that I've blogged about this sometime in the past. Even if I have not, I know that this is an occasional realization that I have. It's like my Guardian Angel is saying, "Hey, AnneMarie, you need to get back on track," to keep my behavior in check. And so, as the lightbulbs started going off in the chapel the other day, a fantastic quotation by St. Josemaria Escriva popped into my head. I love this quotation, and when I lived in Kansas, I kept it on my bedroom wall, just so I could continually be reminded of this wisdom. 
Because everyone needs some St. Josemaria in his or her life. Let's be real. 
I am taking this as my personal motto, to keep in mind during this time of my life. I have spent too much energy focused on my own gain and glory, and I need to redirect myself to God. So what if I volunteer write and my articles don't get published when I want them to? So what if my freelance submissions never get accepted? While getting published would be totally awesome, I need to take my focus off of that and instead focus on God's glory. 
I will keep writing. 
I will keep blogging. 
But my personal glory and gain will not be primary. 
I will make myself available for God to work. He can use me however He wants to (and He always knows what's best, so I'll trust Him on that one).
Ad majorem Dei gloriam!


  1. Preach it sister. It's SO. HARD. to find that balance when we are writing for online media where we can literally see our reach and wish so hard for it to be bigger. I struggle with the same thing. And I think it's because WE CAN'T find that balance - God has to balance things out for us so the answer is always to just rely on him more and always less on ourselves.

    1. Jill, you put it so well with our need to trust God with finding the balance! I don't know if you realize just how comforting it is to know that I'm not the only one who is dealing/has dealt with this problem! I always thought about the "trusting God" routine in terms of big life events (like the ones that you and your family have been going through, which you have covered on your blog recently) and not so much in terms of online activity. So these past few weeks have been really enlightening for me!

  2. Amazing AnneMarie, I'm going through the same... and I love how concrete are the words of St. Josemaria, it's always easy to relate and find where to apply what he says. Nice post :) thanks!

    1. I'm glad that God was able to reach you through St. Josemaria in this post! Seriously, the guy is amazing. Everytime I crack open one of his books, I wonder, "why do I not read his stuff all the time for advice???" So succinct, so practical, and awesomely wise. Thanks for your encouraging comment; it is really relieving to hear positive feedback like this, because I was a bit terrified after I published this post earlier today. You know, all the doubts of, "I'm probably the only one who struggles with this" crept in :P